I just finished watching the film Delivery Man, which my partner found as he was searching for stories about egg donors. The film is about a sperm donor, which was the closest he could find (if anyone knows of films about egg donor stories please forward!) The movie is about your average Joe who years ago, struggling to pay the bills, becomes a sperm donor some odd 600 times. Fast forward fifteen years or so and there are 100 and something kids that want to meet him, and join forces to take him to court to discover his identity. The sperm donor is afraid but also curious and gets to know some of them without revealing who he is. The whole time he is starting a family with his girlfriend and dealing with that.
At one point he gets discovered by one of the kids who gets insulted when the main character chooses to spend an evening with his pregnant girlfriend, referred to as his “real family” instead of the kid. The kid gets angry and insists that him and his many, many biological siblings are also the main character’s real family. This sets the tone for the rest of the film and at the end he embraces his role as father to all these “lost souls” who are psychologically damaged from never knowing their father. The whole time I am wondering…where are these kids’ parents? Not a single one of them makes an appearance or even is referred to. It’s as if donor children are wandering orphans.
I had my psychological analysis yesterday; a required part of the process to assess my mental stability in making the decision to donate. The therapist asked me if I wanted to stay in touch with the family or be a part of the child’s life. Honestly, I’d be curious to see pictures or even meet the kid when they are older, but only as far as the parents are comfortable with. I don’t feel in any way that I have the right to be a part of their life or that I am in any way their mother. That’s what really bothered me about the film. Biology was seen as synonymous with family; and that’s simply not the case. I plan to adopt when the time is right for me, and due to some complications with her soon to be husband, my sister whose wedding is today also plans on adoption. I would be flat out furious if (and sadly, probably when) someone implies that I am not my child’s real parent.
I have had a few family members and friends who implied the same thing, saying things such as “I could never give up my child like that” and “How do you feel knowing that you will have a son or daughter out there that you many never meet?” and oddly “how will your mother feel about what you are doing with her grandchildren? I don’t know how I’d feel if my daughter donated.” Well, my mother actually is still on the list of people I haven’t told yet. I’ll let you all know as soon as I find out what she thinks of her “grandchildren” being raised by strangers. -rolls eyes-
Haha YESSSS, super lesbian powers!! —–>