This morning I had an appointment to get Implanon, an IUD I’ve had in my arm for the last 2 1/2 years, removed so that I could prepare my body for ovulation. I recently got my Med-Cal card in the mail (thank you, Obama!) and have insurance for the first time since I was 20, so decided for the surgery to go back to a local nonprofit clinic that has helped me out in the past. I expected a regular doctor appointment (long waiting periods, matter of fact doctors) but Cares Clinic (www.carescommunityhealth.org) had me laughing the whole way. I never expected:
1. A Doctor Who Thought Slicing My Arm Open Was “So Much Fun!”
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I returned to this doctor because on my previous visit she had asked me about my Implant and offered to remove it when the time came. What I didn’t know was this was one of her favorite things to do, and she had that giddy excited air about her the whole time, the way girls get when they ask if they can pet someone’s shaved head and are granted permission. I think she referred to the surgery as “exciting” and “fun” probably 5 or 6 different times. She let me watch the whole procedure, invited in 2 staff members to show them how it’s done, and afterward gave me a high five and offered for me to keep the IUD as a souvenir! Some people just…have the right jobs.
2. A Pregnancy Scare
Fortunately I haven’t had unprotected sex for a few days, because what I didn’t learn till I was sitting in the doctor’s operating room, is that it takes up to 5 days for sperm to leave the body, and approximately 5 days for the birth control hormones to leave the body, so if I’d had sex in the last 24 hours or so I could end up getting pregnant. I had a panic moment because I couldn’t remember exactly when I’d last had sex for a minute. WARNING to those getting an IUD removed: don’t have sex 48 hours before the surgery!!
3. A Nurse Who Asked Me to Have His Babies
My excitable doctor mentioned to her cute assistant in training that I was an egg donor and his whole face just lit up. “You’re an egg donor?” a giant smile spreading across his face, “I’m gay, will you have my babies for me and my partner?” He even pulled out the boo-boo lip. I laughed and told him he could have my eggs but I wasn’t carrying it. “Well then what am I supposed to do with the eggs?” He said, “Put them in a surrogate!” I said. At this point the doctor steered the conversation in a different direction, right as I was about to ask for his number and give him my eggs free, no compensation needed. Yup. I definitely am already thinking of my second egg donation through an LGBTQ agency. Ok, ok, I know, one step at a time!
4. Copious Amounts of Lube
On the way out they practically threw free condoms and lube tubes at me. I brought home a goody bag of lube for my partner in mint, banana, and watermelon flavors. The condoms are too small, but the lube might be fun: now I can make a solid comparison between water based lubricants and silicon ones. LMFAO Hash tag nowpenis’canlookANDtastelikebananas?
5. A Hug From a Volunteer
I rode the elevator to the wrong floor on accident, and a sweet older man who just started volunteering on the STD testing floor helped me find my way. He was so excited to help someone and told me all about his soon-to-be husband in Georgia, how he grew up in Texas, and how they are so excited to get married and grow a tomato garden so they can have homemade fried green tomatoes. I’ve been considering changing my name for awhile, and he is the first person I’ve met that had the name I am considering. I wouldn’t mind a common association with that. It’s amazing how big a difference the kindness of a stranger can do to suddenly change how you are feeling about yourself and the world around you.
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